"How come we know what to do, but we still don't do it."
I have been a big dude my whole life. I think I joined Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 12. The last time, when I was 39. I have lost 100 pounds twice in my life, but could never keep the weight off. Like so many others, I would always resort to old habits because I didn't have any other way to cope with my emotions. Food was my reward, my companion, and my favorite thing in the world. And when I turned 40, it showed. I couldn't even weigh myself at home anymore. My home scale only went up to 450 pounds. I had crossed over into the 500's and I was miserable.
"Even though we want to be free, we still don't choose it."
My knees hurt. Really bad. I could barely get out of chairs or cars. It became almost impossible to put on my socks and my shoes. I was pre-diabetic. I would wheeze constantly and had developed adult onset asthma and had to use an inhaler daily. I could barely walk more than 10 feet without being completely out of breath. I had constant chest pains and frequent heart palpitations. I had plantar fasciitis. Sitting down hurt my knees. Standing up hurt my feet. I had poor circulation and numbness in my feet too. I couldn't get an Uber because I was never sure if I would fit in the car. I couldn't fly anywhere because I couldn't fit in the airplane seats. I would break furniture all the time. I was miserable, tortured and in constant pain.
"Whatever it takes, I will not refrain."
It was time to make a choice. I had to get help and learn how to take care of myself again or I had to choose to die. As miserable as I was, I didn't want to die. I had a lot to live for and a lot I still wanted to accomplish. It seemed so impossible to change but I started by talking about it to friends and family. That led to finding some people who could help me. I went to an amazing retreat and joined Overeaters Anonymous. Once I learned more about my problem and all the other people out there who struggle the same way I do, I started to see hope. I went all in and decided I would do whatever it took to save my life. I started going to OA meetings, calling other OA members daily, I started reading and writing daily. I also started meditating and praying everyday. I can't really explain it, but an actual miracle happened to me. All my emotional baggage was removed. I finally felt loved, accepted and worthy. I was finally able to stick to a meal plan, to care for myself and to realize I truly deserve to be happy.
My song "Pain" is dedicated to all the people who have had this struggle in their life. We know we need to change, but we just can't seem to do it. We know we are killing ourselves, but that still doesn't seem to be enough. I am here to tell you that you can change. It's closer than you think. Do not give up on yourself. Start talking about it. Out loud to other people. That is the first step to getting better. You have to stop making excuses and admit it's a problem. It gets so much better when you do, I promise. If you need someone to talk to, I am always here. And if you are ready to change, I highly encourage you to visit: https://oa.org/. It changed my life. And it can change yours too.
"I will not be confined to this life of Pain."
Pain - The new single from Chris Swan.
Coming July 1, 2018!
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